Modern Stoicism: What We Can and Can’t Control

Reason can help tell the difference, and how to accept what’s out of our hands.

One might say my generation has a penchant for overthinking.

I don’t mean to generalize of course, but I see it often in myself and my peers. We pore over possibilities we have now, as well as those in our pasts. We ask ourselves questions internally to the point of stress.

Will this new job be the right move for me?

What went wrong in my last relationship?

What if I had done things differently?

Stop it.

It can be agonizing to bring yourself to these questions again and again. Any answer you give can branch into countless scenarios and results, all in your head. We desire certain results, and want to know how to reach them. When we don’t meet our expectations, we want to know why. Moreover, we want to know what we could’ve done better.

Once you’ve fallen into the “what could’ve/should’ve been” thought spiral, it’s tough to climb out. We might begin to second guess our decision-making or overcompensate for our choices. This could all lead to trying to micromanage situations in life, hopeful that more involvement will bring a better outcome.

Sometimes that simply isn’t the case. We can influence some things, but others are going escape us entirely. Many of us grow up learning that dedication and effort will bring positive rewards. As we get older, we begin to learn that life doesn’t always reciprocate. Then when it does, it’s not always in a way that benefits us.

Frustrating, isn’t it?

This is where Stoicism comes in. The ancient teachings practiced by Greek philosophers and Roman emperors addresses this very issue. Even over a thousand years ago, the Stoics understood the massive scope of the universe and how small of a place we have in it. Because of this, they believed, there is only so much we are able to control. The rest is left to the forces of time, space, and nature.

Epictetus, considered one of the fathers of the Stoic discipline, wrote:

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.”

No matter how hard we try to avoid them sometimes, some things are going to happen anyway. Some will be inconvenient, some will be outright terrible for us, but they will happen. We aren’t responsible for them, and we can’t change their outcomes. We just have to accept them for what they are and choose how to respond.

I believe the most difficult part is that response. It can be easy to get aggravated or discouraged when a monkey wrench gets thrown in parts of your day. But what purpose do those emotions serve other than making things worse? Shouting into the sky or hanging your head won’t undo what is happening or what has passed. If it’s out of your hands, wouldn’t accepting these incidents be preferable to letting them get to you?

You’re going to get caught in bad weather at times. You’re going to meet people who dislike you, sometimes unreasonably. Even if you’re incredibly health conscious, you’ll catch a cold at some point. Bad things happen, and they can happen without any input from you. Fighting them or getting upset is wasted energy, and as neurologist/psychologist Dr. Viktor Frankl put it:

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Does this mean we should sit idly by and accept everything? Of course not, there is much that we do that directly affects us. Take for example:

• Our diet and exercise choices impact our physical well-being. Same goes for cutting out unhealthy habits.
• Exams coming up? Hitting the books improves your chances of passing.
• Time and effort put into a skill or hobby improves our ability in it. Nobody became Picasso overnight.
• Seeking out new experiences broadens our view of the world around us.

Simple examples, but they illustrate the point. One can still strive to make the best effort towards happiness and fulfillment. However, instead of expecting to have full control, Stoicism suggests we take the path (and its inevitable hardships) as it comes. Obstacles in the way are part of the package, and that’s okay. We can handle what is within our power while learning to respond best to what isn’t.

We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails.